A story of love and restoration No Longer Missing
By Julie Holzmann
I was a missing person. Due to a mix-up at the apartment complex after a cross-country move, we were not able to settle in as expected. When my parents couldn’t reach us, they reported us as missing. I had to speak with the police officer they made the report with, and had to convince him I was who I said I was. That can be an interesting scenario to work through.
But I was actually missing for a lot longer than those few days. I existed. Others saw me. But I wasn’t completely there. I knew God was there, but I felt I had to perform for his love and attention. I even felt like I had to convince God of who I was.
A Struggle with Depression
I’m a Christian who struggles with depression. For various reasons (some of which I am still, and will probably always be, discovering), I shut a piece of my heart off from the rest of me. I knew that God loved me, but I couldn’t fully accept it. I could never give Him enough to pay Him back for all that He did for me, even though I tried. I tried to be perfect. When I learned that I wasn’t, (that is, when I took my next breath) I started spiraling downward into a depression that stuck with me for over 25 years.
Much of my depression stems from not admitting my anger. When I was little, I argued a lot with my nearest neighbor friend. My mother often quoted Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”i From this I learned that it’s not good to get angry. I feel I would have been better off to have heard Ephesians 4: 26 “In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” For years if someone asked if I was angry I would say “No, I’m just upset.” (I don’t know how many times my husband heard that from me.)
I became a Christian when I was seven years old. That didn’t give me much time to be a rebellious child. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t a brat sometimes. I went to church with my mom every Sunday. My dad started attending too. I was really good at scripture memorization and “sword drills” where you quickly try to find Bible verses.
My parents must have seen some potential in me, because while I was in fifth grade my mom went to work, presumably to start saving for a college education for me. I was supposed to come home after school, and often start cooking dinner. I was a smart, mature, quiet child. From these attributes, I understood I was shy. Or, at least, that’s what people said about me. If I was truly shy, I don’t think I would be as interested in singing, acting, and public speaking as I am. I feel it was a role that was somewhat pushed on me, and I was easy-going enough to not push back. But habits were formed that have been hard to break out of.
The depression didn’t choke me every day during those 25 years, but it was a regular playmate. Once I started “playing” with depression, it kept me away from other friendships. I knew that people didn’t like me. Why would they want to be my friend? I didn’t want to force myself on other people, so I was alone a lot of the time. I only had two or three friends at a time during junior high and high school. After stuffing anger for so many years, it turned into depression and fear. For a while during my teen years, I was quite afraid of walking outside in the dark, sure I would fall into a hole or something.
There were times when I thought about ending my life, but I never attempted anything. One reason was I didn’t want to screw it up and mess up my health. But I think the main reason was I didn’t want to hurt those who loved me. It also wouldn’t live up to the “perfect” image I was striving for.
A Song in My Heart Music often speaks to me, reaches the deep parts of my heart. I grew up singing in children’s choirs and church choirs, and played flute in band. So many song lyrics come to mind as I think through my life’s journey. They say what I would like to say.
The words to Never Be An Angel by Margaret Becker explain so much the struggles in my heart. Perfectionism was one of my battles.
“I dream of a perfect life
Where I do you no wrong.…
So many, so many mistakes I make
So needing, so needing a touch of grace.…
I’ll never be an angel,
But here I am again, praying for wings to fly.
Oh, I’ll never be an angel,
But here I am again, praying for change in my life.”
Music continued to be one of the brighter spots in my life. I met my husband in the college choir. Before I became engaged to David, I was visiting some of his family between Christmas and New Year’s. His dad was not able to give his blessing for our desired marriage. He said I was “debilitatingly shy.” He later called and said that that wasn’t it, but that I needed professional help. (In reality, he was right. But it’s not nice to hear.)
Trouble in My Paradise
A few years after getting married, I went in for my first round of counseling. I gained some insight and help. I briefly saw a psychiatrist who was willing to give me some medication. I turned it down because we were trying to add to our family, and I didn’t want to start anything that I might have a hard time giving up for the sake of my baby. Many years of not getting pregnant, while providing us with opportunities such as moving cross country, sent me into a more constant depression. After all, I wasn’t “performing” or doing what I was “supposed to do.” This caused a partial withdrawal from my husband.
We went to a marriage conference, where he picked up a name of a counselor. He went a couple of times, and then brought me along. We had a few sessions together, while also going separately. Soon, he quit going. I continued on for a while, and got some more help.
During one particularly low time, I knew I needed to turn to God. I felt I wanted to read some bit of Scripture, a Psalm in particular. But with 150 to choose from, I didn’t know which one to read. I like Psalm 121 about lifting my eyes to the hills for help, but in Florida it’s just not the same. I cleared my mind, and calmed my heart, and saw or heard the number 34. I turned to Psalm 34 and read. It was just what I needed to hear. Since then I have turned back to it many times for comfort. Psalm 34:4-6, 17-19 “I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles…. The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all.”
It was after this that I began to focus on my relationship with God, as I had promised in my wedding vows. Over the last few years, my marriage relationship has been restored.
A Twelve Step Approach
I received more help after talking with a close friend a few times about Celebrate Recovery. Celebrate Recovery is a Bible-based Twelve Step approach to healing hurts, habits, and hang-ups. It is a very helpful program for people with addictions, and also for people dealing with other physical or emotional issues. I could see more peace and strength in my friend. I was encouraged, but not pressured to give it a try and see if it might help.
While going through Celebrate Recovery, my sponsor guided me through a prayer time following my fourth and fifth steps. During this time, I could truly feel God’s love penetrate the darkness of my hidden heart. It was like it was melting, and light was filling up the dark hole inside of me. I returned home after the Celebrate Recovery meeting that same day, when I shared about my fourth and fifth steps. My husband looked at me and could see something different about me. He said, “I would say it’s nice to have you back, but I’m not sure I really had you before.”
Another song from Margaret Becker expresses what the fourth and fifth steps were like for me. In Honesty, some of the lyrics she wrote say
“Tonight by the glow of the firelight
You found the courage to speak your mind
And tear down the walls you’ve been hiding behind.
You spoke of the struggle and you cried from the pain
You spoke of your failure and then you turned in shame.
You said you knew you’d never be alright.
So many of us spend so much time
Smoothing things over, pretending we’re fine
As if life could ever be so cut and dried….
But you will be free.
God’s not afraid of your honesty.
He can heal your heart if you speak honestly.
Humble sorrow and an honest cry
He will not pass by.” iii
The Light Was On
Once the light was inside, it was then illuminating the diseased parts. I wanted to get those out quickly. In going through the forgiveness and amends steps, there were some that were easy, while others were more challenging. The hardest one to forgive was me. Even though I suffered through a lot of teasing while growing up, I was the one who put myself down the most. I couldn’t forgive myself for some of the mean, stupid things I had done. It was brought to my attention one night in Celebrate Recovery that I was making my standards higher than God’s standards, and I had no right to put myself above God. He loves and accepts me as I am, and I should do the same.
Restoration through His Love
I don’t know why I went through what I did. I guess it’s just life. I find encouragement from these verses. I Peter 5:10 “And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” I Peter 1:6,7 “In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith – of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire – may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
I now feel God’s love and acceptance. With that, I can also accept myself better.
When I feel lonely, I more often turn now to prayer or God’s word, instead of chocolate or television. I can allow myself to feel angry, and work through it in a healthy way. I can feel sadness and grief without worrying about sinking into depression again. When I focus on myself is when I get into trouble. When I take the time to focus on God, life is livable.
Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” I’m taking up my sword and shield to do just that as I continue on my adventure.
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Julie Holzmann has a BA in Communication Studies from Westmont College. She has led women’s Bible studies, a Ladies Ministries program, and retreat workshops. She is currently the Office Manager at On-Purpose Partners, LLC.
i All Scripture is from the New International Version.
ii Never Be An Angel, ©1991 His Eye Music (A Division of The Sparrow Corp.) (SESAC)/Word Music (A Division of Word, Inc.) (ASCAP)
iii Honesty, ©1989 His Eye Music (SESAC)
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